The Devil Wears Prada proved everyone has had an egomaniacal, sadistic, tyrannical boss at some point – mine wears Bruno Magli. Let’s call him John….
He’s this graying, (dyes his hair) short (5’7 with shoes) little man with massive (and oddly shaped) fingernails and fingertips – they are almost alien like. I am not the only one who has noticed or commented on his fingers so don’t think it’s an extremely weird statement. He walks extremely fast around the office – so fast in fact that anyone following and attempting to keep up has to run/skip. But his quick walk is loudly accented by stomping and hip twisting that rather resembles race walking.
Physical descriptions aside, the real eye roller is that he is a just a crude vulgar obscene shock value un politically correct little man. He has a fascination with butts but more so the words ‘anal’ and ‘anus’ and ‘ass’ . When asked, “Hey John, how are you?” he replies “Just got two cocks up my ass but other than that I’m great.” Or if you tell him you had tofu for lunch, he’d say “I’d rather eat the asshole out of a skunk.” He says the QA guy, let’s call him Dane, smells like ass and butt – but even still that’s pretty tame though. My coworker, let’s call him Tom, and I were trying to see if John could go a day without using the words, ass, anal, or anus – still waiting.
What’s more, John often just walks, well stomps in and says random stuff to his employees like “Hey, (lets call him…) Stew, do you remember your first blow job? Well this query is a lot like that.” Or as a greeting to me (complete with a squint and evil snort) for instance “You looked F’cked up today.” Even better, imitating holding up two cantaloupes at the supermarket hand gestures, “My wife wants to change the kids daycare, but I like it because the Mexican girls there all have giant titties.”
John invites his male employees (subordinates seeing as which he’s the Vice President) to the “titty bar” complete with the disclaimer “My wife knows. She only gives it to me once every 3 months so this is my release. Say, I’ll buy you a lap dance.” Also, John calls his female executive counterparts “Cunts, fat cows, dirty whores and bitches” on a daily basis – luckily not to their face, yet…
John has an obsession with the Mexican culture – primarily the Mexican women and the hookers he frequents in TJ, as he so eloquently puts it. He has even expressed his wish to be married to a Mexican as opposed to his white wife from Michigan (he too is white from Michigan). His body language and movements soften, and he giggles (like a pimply brace face pre-teen Do-you-like-me? Check Yes or No giggle) when he speaks to my Mexican coworker, let’s call her Rosa; so much so it could almost be considered cooing. Speaking of speaking, he speaks Spanish to Rosa, well attempts to. Ironically, he’s always speaking Spanish (in meetings, in the hallway, or by the proverbial water cooler) and making fun of the “gringos” (everyone else) to Rosa (she’s not amused) when they try (or should I say forced) to speak Spanish – I resist and just speak French instead. Parlez-vous Anglais? Ok.
I regale my roommate with the daily accounts of my office torture – her answer is always the same, “You’re boss is an asshole!” Yep – one that stomps around in $400 Bruno Maglis.
